The Big West Mascots Meet in Secret

SCENE: Somewhere in the Channel Islands, in a cave.  The cave is made out to be like a five star resort and is run on solar energy.  Here all 10 mascots (Powercat is no longer invited) of the Big West meet in secret.  They are the ones who make the conference decisions.

Tuffy the Titan: (Trumpets to quiet everyone down) "ORDER! Order! We are here to determine whether or not Boise State will be allowed to join the Big West.  Let us take council!"

Prospector Pete: "Now look'ee here! Ain't nobody nohow gonna try and push us around with their fancy names! My brother wharbllleer (proclaims loud incoherent gibberish)."

Vili the Warrior and The Aztec Warrior look at each other and shrug.  The rest of the mascots nod their head at the prospector's babbling wisdom.

Vili: "VILI SMASH PUNY BRONCO! HE WANTS TO LEAVE MOUNTAIN WEST FOR FOOTBALL BUT WANTS TO JOIN US! VILI CONFUSED! AAAAAAAAAAAGH! VILI WILL DO HAKA FOR DECISION!"

Vili does a haka and looks at his finishing step.  He finishes on his right foot. "ACCORDING TO VILI'S HAKA, VILI CHOOSES TO SMASH PUNY BRONCO IN OTHER SPORTS BUT FOOTBALL! AAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

The Aztec Warrior: "Look bros, I know that you think that Buster Bronco and BSU will use you, and they might, but surely, their name will bring us fame.  They won't win everything, but they will be competitive." 

Zuma the Jaguar shows up: "FEAR ME! I'M CUDDLY"

The Aztec Warrior throws a spear, kills Zuma and resumes his talk: "To top it off, with Boise State comes the possibility of more national TV time, which means more time show off my abs...ladies?"

Ole: "I agree, the exposure would be muy bueno to show of my beautiful sombrero and dancing shoes for the ladies."

Matty the Matador: "Hold on there, Zorro.  Just because they look like a pretty option now doesn't mean they'll backstab us later.  Why should I want BSU here? I mean, we're always overlooked here at Northridge."

Prospector Pete: "Maybe if y'all actually stopped focusing on your looks and acting, maybe you can win a title more than once every 9-10 years."

 Tuffy the Titan: "ENOUGH OF THIS BICKERING! Peter, what do you have to say about all this?"

Peter the Anteater: "Ack! Thbbppppt!" (sticks tounge out repeatedly in a morse-code-like manner making noises that are appropriate to the signals)

Scotty the Bear: "Aye, Peter is right!  We already have too many boggin horses in our lovely little conference as it is.  Only a dobber would take in more.  Ah'm pure scunnurt with this whole ged situation. But at the same time, Ah think it's a doss idea to get more of a name fer ourselves."

Gunrock the Mustang:  "Scotty shut your trap!  And quit with your fake Scottish accent.  Playing the part only takes you so far before it gets out of hand!  Musty and I think that Buster and BSU would be a great addition to the conference.  Outside of the horse thing, we can seriously consider a takeover of the West Coast."

Everyone looks at Gunrock and Musty silently.

Tuffy: "Are you mad?! Who will take us seriously?"

Musty speaks up, in an Ernst Stavro Blofeld-type tone: "You can see, that we used to be all over the West for years, unfortunately, due to the WAC growing power hungry, they stole BSU and others away from us for years.  With the recent conference expansion, and greed of other conferences, the WAC became too much for their own good and...self-destructed, would you say?  But who do you think was behind that? The Mountain West? Not with their joke of a commissioner.  Look who had been dominating the WAC after they left the Big West (and not just in football, but smaller sports as well)."

The mascots look at Musty who all of a sudden is stroking a Turkish Angora.

The cat speaks, "We must all be in cooperation, and all of you have brought up good points.  Unfortunately, this is the prime opportunity and we need a vote.  Therefore we will let the candidate speak his mind.  Buster."

Buster the Bronco enters: "'Sup guys?  Look, I know some of you aren't pleased about this pending situation, but I'll tell you what I'll try to do.  I'll find a great 12th person to come with me, and to throw in the deal right now I'll give everyone lifetime Sun Valley season passes and a lifetime's supply of Idaho potatoes and whatever local potato vodka you want.  How's that sound?"

The mascots convene with each other, look at Buster and finally Tuffy speaks again.  "Guarantee that we won't have to pay any of the travel costs and you have yourself a deal!"

The Turkish Angora speaks up: "All in favor of Boise State entering the Big West Conference say 'aye'"

Everyone but Prospector Pete and Vili say "AYE"

The vote comes to an 8-2 pass.

Tuffy the Titan:  "Buster, it is now YOUR responsibility to find a twelfth member to fill the ranks, however, any funny business and I throw you to the streets and back to the Mountain West, where The Hair reigns supreme.  Now, who wants to surf?"

Everyone leaves the cave and goes to their favorite surf spot: the backside of Catalina.

FIN